Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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