apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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