i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
