Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
In America we eat man semen.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
