I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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