Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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