everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
