Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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