Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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