Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
