I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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