I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
