meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
