my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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