Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
