I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
