they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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