Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
