we have pet lesbian snakes
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
