I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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