and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
