At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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