yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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