Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize