I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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