not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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