mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it wasn't lemon gatorade
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
