I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
