Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
