Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
