tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
