come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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