So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
