Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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