Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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