Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
