How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
