Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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