Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How does one acquire holy water?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
