She's JV to your varsity
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm bleeding and have questions
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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