So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
