hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Randomize
