Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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