OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
