i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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