remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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