Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
