It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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