after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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