hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
