like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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