A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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