Can i not drive my cunt home
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
