We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Pooping to opera.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
