you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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