You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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