We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
