My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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