It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
