I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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