I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
