i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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