Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
