I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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