you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
